Life can be funny sometimes. Yet at the same time it can be a cruel bitch. As a kid, I'd never picture myself living the life I do. When I was just a snot nose punk, if someone said, "Lou, someday the fate of every human soul will rest on shoulders." I'd call 'em a dipshit and go back to ripping off cars. Jeez, was that stupid as a kid? Yes I was, and I guess I still am, otherwise I wouldn't be in the predicament, I am in now. What predicament is that you ask? The one where I'm strapped to a gurney, with an interdimensional portal opening above me. Whatever is leaking through this portal will definitely not be good for my health. Then again what has been good for me? Not the boozing, smoking two packs a day or any number of things that make up my shitty life. Maybe it's better this way. My soul is devoured, I'll be able to forget this craptastic thing I call my life. The world would be better off without me.
Now this is where life is funny. All of a sudden, all I can hear is my prick of a dad yelling at me in my skull. "Louie, yer feckin asshole! Waaat de feck ye doin'?! didn't yer learn anythin' dat oi 'ad taught yer? Once again, you've rolled over ter show yisser belly. Yer feckin pussy! You've alwus been a disappointment, ter me an' ter yisser ma. Bejasus kip 'er soul. Nigh chucker somethin', yer dumb kont, or ye jist gonna lay dare an' take it in de arse?" Fuck me! It seems death won't even let me escape his abuse. Yet he is right. I'm too fucking stubborn to die like this. Hell, I'm just too damn stubborn to die period.
Now how the hell am I going to get out of this. Think Lou! You can fucking do this! The handcuffs keeping me shackled to the gurney seem to be police issued. Finally something going my way. They took all my picks, but I have a trick or two up my sleeve. I contort my fingers into the proper movements as I mumble the opening incantation. "Clink." One down, three more to go. That portal is getting bigger, tendrils of darkness are seeping through. Come on Lou work faster! When the last handcuff falls open, I jump off the gurney. Now to close this damn thing and get the fuck out of here. I can hear the spell being woven to open the portal, but where is the summoner? It's just too damn dark in here. There in the corner. I can see candle light. I start walking towards it and then something grabs my ankle and starts pulling me away.
It's something coming from the portal, dragging me to it. Then I see who is reciting the spell in the candle light. It's a tape player. It's just a recording of the spell. Well if this isn't just fucking great. Whatever has a hold of me is too strong, I can't pull away, and I can't reach the recorder. Fuck this! I quickly pull off one of my shoes. You only have one chance Lou. Make it count. I launch my shoe at the recorder like a football. I missed it! I fucking missed it! I hit one of the folding legs of the card table it is on. Great. Now I'm screwed. Just as I'm about to resign myself to being interdimensional chow, I hear a creak. I look up and see the leg I hit, buckles and folds under. The recorder slides off the table and hits the floor. The chanting stops. The portal begins to close. I'm still being dragged to the closing portal. Fuck me! I just can't win. I roll myself under the gurney as I'm being dragged. I grab hold of two legs and brace my feet against the other two. Myself and the gurney are lifted to the portal. Just as I thought the portal has closed enough that the gurney is too big to fit through. Then in a blink, I land on my back and get the wind knocked out of me.
I stand up slowly as now I have a fucking huge headache from hitting the concrete floor. I need a goddamn drink, but first I need my shoe back. I like these shoes. I'm going to go have a 'little" talk with the person who tried to kill me. That kind of shit tends to put me in a bad mood. This kind of shit wouldn't happen if I would just stop sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. I often ask myself why the fuck do I keep getting into these situations. I never seem to like the answer. Because I have a conscience. Having one of those can get schmucks like me killed. Let me tell you how I got here because of my goddamn conscience. First let me find door out of here and get that drink.
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